Krissie: Games People Play

17 Nov

So we were watching the Property Brothers again (they’re 6’5 — love me some tall men) and I asked Jenny which one she’d pick. She said she couldn’t because they were both identical with the same sense of humor, the same everything. I said if I couldn’t have both at once I’d take Jonathan, the contractor, rather than Drew in his suits. But that’s me.
Anyway, she mentioned a gamed called Marry, Kill, Fuck. (Sorry if that word bothers you, but it is me, you know). Anyway, you pick three men and decide who you’d marry, kill etc. I couldn’t quite understand the concept so she said “Say, Bugs Bunny, Scrooge McDuck and Daffy Duck.” Ignoring the fact that she combined Looney Tunes with Disney, my first thought was that was simple. I wanted to fuck Bugs, and I’d kill Scrooge McDuck, and marrying Daffy would be entertaining.
Jenny said she’s marry Bugs and screw Daffy.
And then I started thinking about it. Some women would marry Scrooge for the money. And sex with Daffy would be all over the place.
So, final answer, I’d marry Scrooge McDuck for all the money, kill Daffy so he didn’t drive me crazy, and fuck Bugs (as long as the deal went that I keep having Bugs on the side, because life with Scrooge McDuck would be very deadly without Bugs to keep me happy).
Ah, the things we talk about as we crochet and quilt and watch HGTV. I guess the trick is go for a group, not a random selection. But you know, it’s hard to pick a group where you’d actually want to kill someone. Maybe Stab. Marry, Stab, Screw. That’s good.
So, another group of three. Vampire Diaries. Marry Damon, Stab (hey, even kill)Stefan, Screw Damon. Oh, that’s cheating. Marry Klaus, kill Stefan, fuck Damon as long as I could always have him.
You pick your three.
Another game is to pick your one cheat (there’s a name for the game but I forget). The one fantasy infidelity you and your husband agree on, like for him it’s Charlize Theron and for you it’s Johnny Depp.
I can’t play that one. Because it’s contingent on the Fantasy Fuck desperately wanting me (can’t imagine taking my clothes off and getting in bed with anyone who’s not so into me that everything about me is glorious). And I cannot imagine anyone feeling that way, and I have lots of imagination, let me tell you.
Which gets around not just to body issues, but to the whole thing of “pretty.” Which is still such a powerful issue for me, which, at 64, I ought to be over.
But Lena Horne was talking about how old women are still “juicy” at 72, and man, she looked it.
I’m still juicy at 64. But I simply can’t imagine Alan Rickman or any of the luscious men I fantasize over (with Richie’s kind acceptance) ever wanting me, even with the largest leap of faith.
Which is kind of a shame.
Anyway, back to the fun part. Pick a group of three. Who would you Marry, Kill, Fuck? Or Marry, Stab, Screw?

53 Responses to “Krissie: Games People Play”

  1. Sure Thing November 17, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    Methinks to play this game, someone “else” has to offer the options.

    So here are some for everyone else.

    Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Tyrese Gibson.

    Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr, Jeremy Renner – OR in character – Capn America, Iron Man, Hawkeye.

    Tori Amos, Fiona Apple, Alanis Morrisette. (Hey, I’m equal opportunity)

    Spike, Angel, Riley.

    Mal, Simon, Jayne.

    Will think of more and be back. Have fun.

    • Maria Powers November 17, 2012 at 11:15 am #

      Don’t know all of those, but Spike for sex, marrying Angel and Riley’s either a dead or stabbed man.

    • Lynn November 17, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

      Kill Paul Walker, fuck Vin Diesel, marry Tyrese Gibson. Definitely.

      Fuck Tony Stark, kill Hawkeye, reluctantly marry Captain America.

      Marry Tori, kill Fiona Apple, fuck Alanis.

      Marry Spike, kill Angel, kill Riley, fuck Spike.

      Marry Mal, kill Simon, fuck Zoe.

      Krissie, I love that you said it’s hard to pick a group where you’d want to kill someone. For the record, I have the most trouble in the “marry” category. Which I’m sure says nothing about me as a person, ahem.

    • Kelly S. November 17, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

      Since I believe you aren’t allowed to duplicate, which I would like to do, I’d say marry Simon, screw Mal and stab Jayne – he’d get over it, might even see it as foreplay depending on where I stabbed him. ;)

      • Beth Matthews November 17, 2012 at 10:26 pm #

        Jayne would TOTALLY see that as foreplay.

        • Krissie November 18, 2012 at 8:28 am #

          So true. Love me some Jayne. Love me some Mal even more. Can I fuck both?
          I’ma agreeing with everyone here. Definitely fuck Vin Diesel, though I couldn’t say why. But yeah!

    • Beth Matthews November 17, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

      Kill Paul Walker, Marry Vin Diesel, fuck Tyrese Gibson but just because Vin needs a break from all my lady-loving (if I were married to Vin I would NEVER get out of bed).

      Kill Chris Evans, Marry Robert Downey Jr, Fuck Jeremy Renner

      Marry Capn America, Fuck Iron Man, Kill Hawkeye, but only because that there is a Sophie’s Choice kind of proposition.

      Fuck Spike, Marry Angel, and kill Riley. Kill Riley a LOT. Can we kill him more than once?

      Marry Mal, Kill Simon, Fuck Jayne. Jayne. Yum. :) Although Captain Tight Pants does have an epic ass.

    • Caryn November 18, 2012 at 12:55 am #

      Mal suits for all three. (A Mal for all seasons?)

      Iron Man for whatevers (yum), Capn for everyday, Hawkeye for meh.

      Riley for everyday, Spike for whatevers and Angel for stab.

      Or another list: Alan Rickman, Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman?

      Buffy, Faith and Dawn?

      Jenny knows the coolest games!

    • Anjemon November 19, 2012 at 6:50 pm #

      I wasn’t going to reply so late, but I’m having so much fun I have to chime in.

      Marry Paul Walker, Shag Vin Diesel, Kill Tyrese Gibson.

      Kill Chris Evans (sorry dude, the list is just too good), Shag Robert Downey Jr, Marry (and shag) Jeremy Renner – same with their characters.

      Shag Spike, Marry Angel, Kill and kill again Riley.

      This one was really hard… Marry Mal, Kill Simon, Shag Jayne. I do love me some Jayne. And Adam Baldwin. Yum.

  2. Maria Powers November 17, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    Excuse the fuck out of me, but Alan Rickman totally wants you. He told me so the last time we had a rendezvous.

    I try to comfort myself with “Pretty is as pretty does”, but I grew up in Orange County, CA and let me tell you Toddlers and Tiaras has nothing on that place for creating insecurities in ALL women over their looks.

    So, here’s to a good Saturday. Don’t watch Vampire Diaries and totally agree with you on the Property Brothers. Sorry but my secret crush is Mike Holmes simply because he can fix things. A competent man always gets to me. What I’d really like is Mike Holmes, Paul Krugman, and Alan Rickman, but not one of them are dying. I am keeping them all and throwing in Mario Batali because someone needs to cook while I am busy.

    Here’s another game – from The Sweet Potato Queens of Love: every woman needs five men in her life. One for good gifts, one to fix things, one for great sex, one for dancing, and one for talking. Now go out and play – oh, and four out of the five can be gay, but I don’t know many gay men who are gonna buy you good gifts or are necessarily good for great sex with you.

    1. Sex: Alan Rickman
    2. Fix things: Mike Holmes
    3. Talking: Paul Krugman
    4. Dancing: John Travolta
    5. Good Gifts: Stewart Resnick, sure his wife might get peeved, but it’d be a better use of his money than what he does with it now which is try to control the water supply out here in California.

    And good gifts was the hardest. Who knew?

    • KateGeorge November 17, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

      Oh, I love Mike Holmes too! I totally want him to come fix my house!

  3. heidi November 17, 2012 at 11:15 am #

    I have the same issue with the fantasy list. I just can’t get past the issue of them wanting me.

    As for Vampire Diaries… Kill Stefan, Marry Damon, Fuck Klaus.

    Buffy… Kill Angel, Marry Spike, Fuck Riley.

    I think I like this game.

  4. Skye November 17, 2012 at 11:25 am #

    Kill Riley, Fuck Spike, Marry Angel.

    Marry Cap’n America, Fuck Hawkeye, Stab Iron Man (Guess I just can’t marry for money if the guy would drive me batshit)

    Fun game!

    • Redwood Kim November 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

      Right there with you on the supes. Tony Stark’d make for a fun date, but one regular basis -oh, please. And I’m thinking you don’t get to fuck Cap unless you marry him, what with the upstanding and all.

      • Redwood Kim November 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

        on a, not one. Weird typo.

    • Chris S. November 18, 2012 at 12:11 am #

      I thought I was the only one. Love watching RDJ as Tony Stark… would throw him under a bus in about 18 seconds.

  5. Sure Thing November 17, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

    Hmmm.

    Indie-ish filmmakers.

    Robert Rodriguez, Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino.

    • Ashley November 18, 2012 at 10:46 pm #

      Aw, nice one. Kill Quentin, fuck Rodriquez (sexy man) and marry Kevin Smith, because Smith is downright HILARIOUS.

  6. pamb November 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

    On Housewives of…with Andy in the clubhouse on Watch What Happens, the question goes something along the lines of Shag, Murder, Marry. (Hey, we all have our “watch the train wreck” shows.)

    Oh, Krissie, if -anyone- would appreciate your lusciousness and big personality, it would HAVE to be Rickman. And we already know Richie does, so, see? If x = y and y = z then x = z, too. Easy-peasy :) Soon as Richman meets you, he’ll be swamped with lust!

    I appreciate Mike Holmes, but I’ll bet he’d be a PIA to live with–expects the place to be kept perfect. Unless he’s willing to be the cleaner (or hire one) and allow me to be decoration & entertainment.

    I am so clearly out of it. Even with the Disney/Looney Tunes, I know Bugs & Daffy but not McScrooge. Never watched Buffy/Angel, never read or watched Twilight.

    Do watch Property Brothers. Like their new show better. The stupid whining on the “I can’t see that” on Property Brothers drives me nuts. Of course I live in a house with holes in ceilings & walls & floors.

    Both brothers seem like nice guys and I suspect both brothers can fix a wall, but Jonathan shows it, so he’s my pick. Plus he does magic tricks for kids. Melt.

    Who I really want is the Income Property guy. Can fix a house AND makes money beyond that. And cute. And nice.

    So I’ll marry the Income Property guy, shag Mike Holmes, and kill the stupid home buyers who can’t see potential & have NO imagination on Property Guys.

    By the by, I think Carson Kressley is the human equivilent of Bugs–outside of sexual orientation.(g)

  7. Jenny November 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm #

    I’ve been wanting to kill Riley since his first season on Buffy.

    • Sure Thing November 17, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

      ;-)

    • Janis November 17, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

      Amen, Sister!

    • KAte November 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

      I think nearly everyone did. He was just so irritating.

  8. Katie November 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

    Buffy’s easy. Kill Riley, marry Angel, screw Spike. Vampire Diaries: Marry Damon, kill Stefan, screw Klaus. Avengers is more difficult. Probably marry Cap and screw Iron Man, which means I’m stuck with stabbing Hawkeye when I don’t really want to, but I figure he can take it. Since we’re talking WB/CW, there’s always Supernatural: marry Dean, screw Cas, kill Sam.

    • Anjemon November 19, 2012 at 6:41 pm #

      All I have to add to the Supernatural convo is: YES. Sam is so gone. The other two are a tough decision, but I think I have to go with you on Marrying Dean and Screwing Castiel.

  9. oneoftheotherjennifers November 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    Marry Spike. Toss a coin over whether to off or screw Angel or Riley.

    Marry Iron Man (he might annoy me, but he wouldn’t bore me), screw the Cap’n (corrupting him would be half the fun), sorry Hawk.

  10. Thea November 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

    Oh, good, mention of Alan Rickman. He was kinda sqinching away there in the word cloud and I was worried.
    I keep track of my lovely Alan, you know. Perhaps post another video.

  11. Nan November 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

    Wow, I am way out of it too! Never watched Buffy or Vampire Diaries, but can I do it with BBT? How about marry Leonard, Fuck Raj, and Kill Howard? Leonard would be a kind and funny husband, Raj, I am convinced, would be the gentlest hottest of lovers, and Howard irritates the hell out of me, so he’s outta here…I’m not at all sure what I’d do with Sheldon–adopt him maybe? Can we change the game to Marry, Fuck, Kill, Adopt?

    Too fun!

    • Micki November 18, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

      (-: Raj has the money, and he can cook, and . . . really good marriage material (-:. Those brown eyes!

      I’d probably have to kill Sheldon. I’d give Leonard a go . . . he seems really sweet. But it really would be rather cruel to him, he wants the commitment so bad.

      I don’t know WHERE to put Howard (-:. Borrow from a different game and have him fix things?

      • Carol-Ann November 19, 2012 at 7:58 am #

        A friend and I just played this, and her answer was Marry Raj, Fuck Leonard and Kill Howard. Why marry Raj – cause he’d not drive her up the walls talking! Good answer ;)

  12. stephanie November 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

    Here’s Meryl Streep playing the game:
    http://tv.yahoo.com/news/meryl-streep-lets-her-hair-down–says-she-d–shag–jack-nicholson–video-.html

    She has to choose among: Jack, Dustin, and Redford.
    Hmmm.

  13. Rachel V November 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

    Chris Evans-Shag (seems like he’d be fun and laugh a lot)
    Jeremy Renner-Marry (solid, looks like he knows how to scramble eggs and change the oil)
    Robert Downey Jr.-Murder (too quipy to live)

    Capt. America-Marry (how could you not? He’s CAPTAIN AMERICA!)
    Hawkeye-Shag (too tortured to marry, but looks like he’d be energetic and open to dark things)
    Iron Man-Murder (he’s such an annoying 1%er)

  14. Lynda November 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    Since Nan already did BBT, the only show I can think of is NCIS. Marry McGee, screw Gibbs, and kill Tony. (Actually I’d love to marry Gibbs, except that he will Never Ever get over his beloved Shannon.)

    Once upon a time I had a dream that I was married to Tom Selleck, Alan Rickman was my lover, and I flaunted them both in the face of the guy who broke my heart in high school. That was just about a perfect dream.

  15. Skye November 17, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    If we are doing favorite TV shows, I’m going to hop in here with MythBusters. Yeah, there are four guys, so what?

    Marry Jaime or Grant: both seem solid, dependable, and they can make things.
    Shag Adam: he’d be so energetic!
    Kill Tory: He has no common sense and he drives me crazy.

  16. KateGeorge November 17, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

    I used to sometimes dream that both Tom Cruise and Harrison Ford wanted to fuck me. I’d wake up smiling, although in real life I’m not at all interested in Tom Cruise. Him I could kill. And unfortunately Harrison Ford seems a bit old now.

    I’d fuck Holmes!

    I’m trying to remember who I’ve seen lately that I thought was very kind. Shoot. It won’t come to me. That’s who I’d marry. The really kind guy – that’s who I’d marry.

    I’d fuck The Rock.

    I’d kill Tom Cruise. (Sorry Tom – not really kill but set you free for sure.)

    • Krissie November 18, 2012 at 8:36 am #

      Amen on the Rock.

  17. Terri Osburn November 17, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    Quite an interesting game you have going here. The only show besides BBT that I watch all the time is The Voice. And that’s an easy one.

    Marry Blake (Don’t shoot me, Miranda!)
    Shag Adam (anytime anywhere anyhow)
    Kill CeeLo (that man is not right)

    As to the body image thing, I’ve had a revelation lately. My teen is into Tumblr and band fandom and so many of these girls I see on there think they’re ugly. Based on their avatars they’re all beautiful. I realized I should not be feeling at 40 the same way I felt at 16. Time to own what I’ve got. Flabby arms, crooked teeth and all of it.

    I’m not hot and never will be and I’m determined to start really exercising because I do want to feel and look a bit better, but no more thinking I’m not good enough for anyone. It’s a work in progress and I’ve only just come around to this, but I actually feel better already.

    Krissie, I have no doubt you could make any man want you. Own your fabulosity, lady.

    • Chris S. November 18, 2012 at 12:14 am #

      This is fantastic.

  18. Terrie November 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm #

    Fuck Spike and marry him. Because, you know, Spike. I’m not up to killing or stabbing, so I think I’d have Angel and Riley marry each other. They could move in next door and keep Spike on his toes.

    • oneoftheotherjennifers November 17, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

      I like the way you think.

  19. Beth Matthews November 17, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

    This game is really fun to play drunk. We played it at my birthday party once with Star Wars characters. I gave my sister Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine and Grand Moff Tarkin. She killed Tarkin, married Vader and fucked Palpatine. We were all horrified and she explained that her thinking was the emperor probably was planning to blow up the planet. She became very impassioned, “I would fuck the emperor to save my planet!”

    Yes. Good game…

  20. Judy, Judy, Judy November 17, 2012 at 11:11 pm #

    From the cast of Entourage –
    Marry: Rhys Coiro AFTER his recovery, Kevin Connolly
    Shag: Rhys most of the time, Adrian Grenier most of the time
    Murder: Jeremy Piven 99% of the time, all the rest of the cast, including Rhys and Adrian, 50% of the time or more.

  21. Chris S. November 18, 2012 at 12:16 am #

    For those above who like men who fix things: Jeremy Renner (aka Hawkeys) made his living restoring houses before he hit it big in Hollywood.

    Which is why I lean more towards marry Hawkeye, help Captain America in the soup kitchen, and watch with glee as Pepper winds Iron Man around her finger with zero effort.

    • Anjemon November 19, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

      OMG. Also, he was on SNL on Sat and the man can sing. And I think he plays a couple of instruments. Jeremy Renner is quickly moving up the list of my ideal men.

  22. Sure Thing November 18, 2012 at 3:48 am #

    The thing about choosing your own three is that you *search* to fit the categories.

    When presented by someone else, you have no option but to fuck/marry/kill someone even if you don’t *want* to.

    That’s why I’m not choosing my own. That said:

    Jack Ryan, Indiana Jones, Han Solo. (Harrison Ford roles)
    Mike Lowry, Agent J, Will as Fresh Prince) (Will smith roles)

    • Rachel V November 18, 2012 at 8:17 am #

      Jack Ryan-Murder-too earnest
      Indiana Jones-Marry-hey, I was an actual archaologist a long time a ago, so we could do fieldwork and I could help him actually write up some reports!
      Han Solo-shag Shag SHAG

    • Beth Matthews November 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm #

      Marry Han, screw Indy and kill Jack. Or just have a big Harrison Ford sandwich. That works too…

  23. Krissie November 18, 2012 at 8:39 am #

    I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. GREAT game!

  24. Jenny November 18, 2012 at 8:49 am #

    Krissie got in the wrong order, it’s Marry, Fuck, Kill.
    So . . .
    Ninth Doctor, Tenth Doctor, Eleventh Doctor.
    Already in the right order.
    Although I’d cheerfully commit bigamy with Nine and Ten.

    • Sure Thing November 18, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      Hahahaha.

      You know I put Riley in just so you *could* kill him, right?

      In all fairness, order doesn’t matter as long as you make a choice for each category.

      I’m so glad this got you laughing Krissie. :-)

    • Beth Matthews November 18, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

      Marry 10, fuck 11 (probably have to explain how that works to him first, though…) and kill 9. This one is so hard because any Doctor is good Doctor.

  25. flip November 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    M. Dumbledore, Kill Valdemort, F. Snape.

  26. Micki November 18, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

    For some reason, I started thinking breakfast cereals. Marry Captain Crunch (hey, solid career, who doesn’t like a man in uniform), shag Count Chocula (love an accent, but he’s really too much to live with), and kill the Trix rabbit. LOL, think the 80s versions . . . I’ve been out of circulation for a loooong time.