I sure the fuck want to terminate someone right now. Or at least kick them in the shins with steel-toed boots. Tim has a pair — I wonder if I could borrow them for the next time I go to New York.
But I digress. I’ve been trying really hard to be positive, to not envision bad things happening but keep good thoughts, positive thoughts. It’s been like balancing on a razor. Maybe life is like balancing on a razor — it’s so easy to fall into disaster but staying on the blade cuts into your feet and you bleed …
As you can tell I’m not feeling jovial right now. I’m feeling lost and confused and I can’t find my way home. Hmmm, that was a song by a band called Blind Faith. Do you suppose that’s a message for me? The world is full of signs if we just look for them. Maybe I need a little blind faith that all will work out as it should.
It always does. I can look back at things that crippled me and wonder why I got so upset. I can also look back at pain and still feel that same pain, when I really need to let go of it.
But I digress. I can’t go into details because it’s about That Which Will Not Be Discussed, but on top of that we went to a financial adviser to see what we could do about the mess we’re in. I meant to take a tranquilizer before I went but I forgot, since I was up until 4:30 am finishing the revisions on the first book I ever wrote.
I hate self-pity. My mother was obsessed with what a tough life she’d had. I hate despair. I’m a hope kind of girl, a fighter, a firm believer in my own (and everyone else’s) divinity. I know how fabulous I am – how could I miss it.
And yet there’s a black, greasy cloud-like monster lurking in my room, ready to devour me. I feel totally defeated.
That’s normal, I think. Everyone goes through times when they feel dragged down and defeated, that everything’s gone wrong and there’s no way to fix it. Even the most chipper of spirits has to falter sometimes.
I probably make it worse by hating when I give in to it. And in the grand scheme of things it’s only money. It’s not people’s lives or health. It’s not dystopia or armageddon or living out of a car or being eaten by zombies. It is what it is.
God grant me the serenity etc. I need a solid dose of serenity. I’m not sure what to do right now. I started making a list of all the things I could do to cut expenses. I know hard love is a necessity. Hard love for everyone, including myself.
How do I make myself feel better, take a step back and view things with equanimity? (Since I was 18 years old that’s been one of my favorite words. It’s something that always seems to elude me. How many 18 year olds search for equanimity? I’m a goddess, I tell you).
I’m also a drama queen. I’m overreacting to everything. And I don’t know what to do.