Lani: Stasis is Sometimes Okay

8 Jan

I love seeing what Jenny and Krissie are doing here. Change is a big deal, and it’s wonderful. It’s also difficult and exhausting. I’ve been through a lot of change in recent years, as Jenny mentioned in her earlier posts, so I wanted to hop in here and give the perspective of someone who still needs change, but is waiting a bit first.

Right now, I do need to lose weight. I need to get in shape. I need to feel better. Drink less wine, less coffee, more water. My eating is pretty good, because my husband is a great cook and for the most part, he cooks healthy, but I need smaller servings. Right now, I’m not worrying about any of this, really. I know these are my goals, I know I’ll get there.

But I can’t do it now, and that’s okay.

In the past, I’ve jumped on the need to change because I’ve caught sight of myself in a mirror, or got weighed at the doctor’s office (I don’t do that shit at home) and I’ve decided I’m going to do it, and I’ve added all the things I need to change at once because I need change NOW and I lost three pounds in four weeks of total misery, then said, “Screw it,” and ate a pie.

That’s not workable.

Right now, my life is stabilizing after years of unrest, and I’m letting it stabilize. I’m going to start running again, I’m going to drink less wine and more water, I’m going to get myself healthier, but not right now. Right now, I’m working on my head. My tendency toward ridiculous self-loathing, and the way I make everything my fault and my responsibility. I’ve been struggling with these things for a while, and they’re almost kicked. Almost. I’m getting there, but I need to get my head on straight before I deal with my body, and there are residual issues that are being particularly stubborn about it.

I’m lucky, in that my husband wants to be healthier, too, but now, the timing isn’t quite right. Our first anniversary is around the corner, and that’ll be a year since he picked up and moved from his bachelor life in Scotland to be a husband, a brother and a father in rural Ohio. He’s been through a lot of change, too, and while it’s been good change, we both have this need to just be still. Just for a little while. And when the time is right, and we’re ready, we’ll do it together. Reasonably, rationally, with small baby steps and small changes incorporated into our lives slowly. If my recent obsession with organization is any indicator, it’ll probably include some sort of charting system. Not with pounds and calories, but with goals. More water, less wine (note, I won’t say “no wine” because that’s just nuts), more movement. More sex.

He’s totally on board with that one. πŸ™‚

The point is, it’ll be simple, small changes and by our second anniversary, we’ll have made changes without it hurting.

In the meantime, it’s incredibly inspiring watching Krissie and Jenny make big changes now. Looking at Krissie, so beautiful to begin with, as she starts to see her own beauty staring back at her from that dreaded mirror, is going to be so gratifying. And when Jenny moves into her new lake house, and her life is so different but exactly the way she wants it, that’s going to be wonderful to see, too. I have the best adopted-sisters in the world, and watching them transform is going to be wonderful.

Then, I’ll catch up.

22 Responses to “Lani: Stasis is Sometimes Okay”

  1. Ylva Hedin January 8, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    Oh I think you are so right. If one you do things in your time and in your way it always succeed!! And happy aniversery!! πŸ˜‰

  2. Mary Stella January 8, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    You’ve worked so hard for so long that you deserve the break. In the meantime, things are still working in your subconscious so that when you’re ready to focus on one aspect, you’ll really be ready. Go, you!

    Whenever you fall back into self-loathing or taking responsibility over things for which you are not responsible, you have plenty of us who will happily, gently, and with love remind you that everything is not your fault.

  3. Kathy Scappace January 8, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    Lani I like you plan! Taking time to appreciate what you’ve already accomplished is a really good idea.

  4. Cathy M January 8, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

    I’ve recently been going through some of my old music (so old it’s on cassettes) and enjoying a lot of music that really speaks to me. One of the albums is “Party Doll” by Mary Chapin Carpenter who is one of my favorites. The song that really addresses the idea of stasis is “Almost Home”. I don’t know how to put a link in on this site, so I’ll just type the following for anyone interested or you can go to youtube and find a lot of her music.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6aBBf3ZYrg

  5. Jen Wyatt January 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm #

    Thumbs up on “more sex”. Add some laughter, too…but maybe not during the sex.
    You do what you gotta do!

    • Kate George January 8, 2012 at 8:00 pm #

      I don’t know, laughter during sex can be good too.

      • inkgrrl January 9, 2012 at 6:20 am #

        If you can’t laugh with the person you’re having sex with, there’s something wrong!

      • Skye January 10, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

        I seem to remember that … it’s been such a long time and all. πŸ˜‰

        Even the characters in The Sims laugh during “woo hoo” (which is what the button for having sex says)!

  6. robena grant January 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

    Yep. Baby steps. Sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the world go by to appreciate where you’ve been and where you are now.
    I’m watching the sisterhood with admiration.

  7. Cielkaye January 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    You have so nailed it. I think you will achieve these things. You know where the problem starts and you are dealing with that first. To tell you the truth, I doubt that you will have to put in a lot of effort. The fringe benefits of the head stuff often just follow on. There is just no point to trying to deprive yourself of the things that give you comfort, when there is a bigger job to be done. Look what happens when people try to simply use willpower to give up smoking. Go girl.

  8. londonmabel January 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    Thumbs up–this is my approach too.

  9. Kate George January 8, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

    Big Love, Baby. You’ve proved you can make changes. Huge changes. When you’re ready you can take on the next stage, but meanwhile spend some time enjoying the changes you’ve made already. After all, it’s not everyone who has a Scotsman in the house…

    • Skye January 10, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

      Well, not in this country ….

  10. Diane (TT) January 8, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

    A period to equilibrate at your new “normal” makes a lot of sense. I just started with SparkPeople as a fitness and nutrition program (they say I need to lose 30+ pounds and think I can do it by August. We’ll see). They do baby steps – the first couple of weeks, you’re not restricting calories, just tracking what you normally eat. Of course, since you actually write it all down and it shows you what your target calories will be, the process of observing undoubtedly changes the outcome (very Heisenberg). But the initial goals are simple – stretching 5 min per day was my fitness goal, not snacking mindlessly was my nutrition goal and writing about it 3 days a week (which I am doing here and over at a site that spun off from Jenny’s He Wrote/ She Wrote site years ago). The idea seems to be to start paying attention to habits that DON’T meet my goals (mindless snacking) and start cultivating habits that DO (stretching which can expand into more exercise), while paying attention to my motivation and what’s working (the reflection).

    On a completely different subject – I might have mentioned this here anyway, but Lani’s upstate NY connection makes it even more apropos: Julia Spencer-Fleming, who writes wonderfully thoughtful mysteries set in a small town in the Adirondacks is having some of her early books re-issued as reduced price ebooks, one at a time for the next 3 months. For $2.99, you can start the series with In the Bleak Midwinter (heck, if the “i” doesn’t work for italics, this may get totally messed up) for the month of January, with the next available for the same price in February and the third in March.

    I don’t know if Lani has read these – I think not, since she and Alastair have talked (on StoryWonk) about the mystery genre as being more intellectual and puzzle-like, while these are driven by wonderful, complex and flawed characters. But since both my mom and I already have the first book in hard copy, I wanted to tell someone else about this great deal.

  11. Micki January 8, 2012 at 10:20 pm #

    Nice! I think it helps a lot, too, to have a supportive change-buddy — one who will support you, but not shove you. One who shows that support by cooking delicious meals is one whose price is beyond rubies! (-: You have certainly made yourself some luck there! (And I’m sure he feels he’s made himself some real luck, too.)

  12. Lani January 8, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

    Thanks, everyone for the wonderful comments (and Diane, for that fabulous mystery recommendation, I’ll check it out!) It was a busy Sunday, so I couldn’t check in much, but it’s great to get such wonderful support. Thank you!

  13. Cindy Skaggs January 8, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

    Reading this post is like going through my own head. The line: “then said, β€œScrew it,” and ate a pie” describes my last twenty pounds. πŸ™‚

    As for movement, I went to the doctor (annual checkup) and made a face when the nurse wrote down my weight. This lovely gray haired grandma looked me square in the face and said “Not enough sex” and walked out. I was too stunned to speak. Of course she’s right… πŸ™‚

    • inkgrrl January 9, 2012 at 6:21 am #

      OMG that’s awesome! Yay for nurses!

    • Krissie January 9, 2012 at 11:28 am #

      My kind of nurse.

  14. inkgrrl January 9, 2012 at 6:32 am #

    You have moved heaven and earth these last couple of years, babe. Definitely time for stillness, and letting some of the mud that’s gotten stirred up settle a bit before you go digging out of any more ruts.

    I like the gradual approach plan thingy. In theory. In practice, I still tend to toss All The Things into my mental blender and hit puree, then wonder why I can’t Do All The Things by the end of the day, then make a spreadsheet, then get discouraged and ask The Prince to bring me pie. Which is never the Pie of Sustainable Progress, nor the Strudel of Smart Goals, not even the Brownie of Baby Steps. I always transmogrify that pie into the Tart of Too Much, and gain another five pounds in the process.

    Crap, now I want cinnamon rolls from the donut shop around the corner.

    Ok, so Imma let me finish, and just ask if you’ve ever heard of the Inner Mean Girl Reform School? It’s a class or a workshop and maybe a book, I’m not sure, but just the title snaps my head back. I vote we send our Inner Mean Girls to Reform School. And not the cool kind of reform school with bad boys doing donuts out in the parking lot and bribeable bouncers. We can put polka dots on the school uniform and everything.

    Dammit, I said donut. It’s not that cold outside and I only have to walk a block. But it is 3:30 am. Argh.

    • Krissie January 9, 2012 at 11:29 am #

      Inner Mean Girls Reform School? I love it!

  15. Clever Cherry/Betty January 11, 2012 at 12:07 am #

    It’s so good to hear you in such a good space. You and Alastair for a whole year! Wow.

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